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A couple of days ago I was checking in on my buddy of 28 years who is going through a rough patch in life, and on top of that she works in the service industry and every one was just being rude and inconsiderate to her which is making it “harder and harder to be nice to people” she texted.  Being the Pollyanna I am, I tried to give her words of encouragement like, “Just remember what makes you happy, and hold on to those things!” Then I realized that was not what she was wanting to hear, so I reminded her, that we know people are miserable assholes, so don’t let them mess with your happiness.

Then as I was walking to the bathroom at work, (the bathroom/shower are where many of my clever thoughts are born) the term miserable fucks kept running through my head, so I wrote her a poem to get her through the rest of the day:

Straightforward Rules

(It’s just that easy)

Don’t be a miserable fuck!

A better attitude could change your luck!

And so many people wouldn’t think you suck,

If you’d just stop being a miserable fuck!

Don’t be a nagging bitch!

Haven’t you heard? Bitches ain’t shit!

One day you’ll cross the wrong person & and possibly wind up in a ditch,

So stop being a nagging bitch!

Life is too short and if you’re a total prick,

I hope you are blessed someone who will call you on your shit.

Hey, maybe you’ll even listen and learn from it.

If not – that’s ok, just stay the fuck away from me,

And keep living in your current state of misery.

It’s really as simple as 1 plus 2 equals 3,

If you can’t fix your ‘tude,

Stay. Away. From. Me!

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I was driving and thinking about some of the people I’ve come in contact in my lifetime (40 years!Still a bit shocked) There are people who get shit done, people who talk a good game, people who sit around wish things can happen, or people who point out everything that could go wrong, or how much work it will take to get it done.  Which one are you?

I have been analyzing the world around us and I started really going deep into what I’ve experienced.  Then I stopped here: some people are fortunate enough to have the luxury of having their education paid for, or someone funding them for whatever reason, some people are financially sound, some people have very little, and some people are stuck in the middle.  It’s not always your station in life that enables you to be successful, it’s about knowing what you want and having the HUNGER to go out and get it.

You have to be hungry for what you want in order to get shit done. Stop making excuses and pointing out everything that could possibly go wrong and get to it!  If necessary, stop and make changes along the way.  IT’S ok to be wrong or make mistakes or even fail! Worrying about everything that will go wrong doesn’t get the job done, or help you reach your goals. You have some options, you can begin with putting your little toes in and slowly immerse yourself into the plan, or jump in and get going. But don’t just shut down because things may have issues, or will take a lot of work.  If the path you choose to go on is shutting down, making excuses and doubting everything, that’s fine.  Just don’t get mad at the people who wade, walk, jump or dive in and get going on what you deemed problematic.

I am living proof of this.  I have overcome many obstacles- (some self-inflicted and some were just fucked up circumstances that I never would have seen coming) in my life and in the words of Wale – I feel like I was “born to lose, built to win”. That’s how I will continue to live my life.  ***I will soon have one or more books published on the details. Because I’m hungry to share my stories with people who may feel my message is just in time for them.

Don’t be a hater when someone does what you said can’t be done, be humble and move the fuck on! Successful people will be thanking you because they made it happen when you said it couldn’t be done or it would be too hard (insert whiny voice here) and they will be moving on to their next thing.

I’ll leave you with a couple of things: The hunger I’m talking about here is a verb, meaning to have a strong desire or craving for.  Synonyms: Yearn, Crave, Covet.

When you get to that point and you really want it.  You. Will. Make. Moves.

And of course a lyric… from “Hungry eyes” ha ha ha NOT… (but that’s the song that keeps going through my mind) It’s Big Weenie by Eminem.  “You’re just jealous of me ‘cause  you.. you just can’t do what I do.. so you walk around like an idiot saying all these mean things because you’re a meanie, a big weenie” Seriously, don’t be a big weenie… Don’t. IT’s dumb.. 

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Ok I believe it’s good to make fun of yourself, so I thought it would be entertaining to share a pity party that took place sometime the end of last year. I was feeling crappy for myself and lonely after I was consistently not talking to the Beezy. By consistently I mean it was a good 30 to 60 days of no contact, which was HUGE for us. Yeah we both made bad choices, and I do take full ownership for my pieces in the failure pie. I didn’t win (grrr) and he did fuck with my head and make bull shit excuses/ promises.
I was laying on the couch totally pissed off at myself and heartbroken that I let this happen. I’m embarrassed to say I was crying – the ugly my life is over cry. I thought wow if he was dead that would make me happy because then I won’t ever have to wonder why he’s such a punk! I quickly apologized to God for thinking that, picked up my pacifier, a.k.a. my phone to play some music, and when I went to the music icon, it took me to iTunes Radio and then I saw Eminem’s CD was available for first play which was a free preview of the entire album. I perked up and pressed play. I always say every time EMINEM comes out with new stuff we have usually have had some similar personal things going on while he was writing, except I don’t have millions of dollars to use to ease my pain. The first song was titled Asshole, and of course the chorus fit my situation. My tears stopped, like when a little brat cries so hard, then when they get what they want magically they are all better, that made me giggle. Then Beautiful Pain came on it really tugged at my soul. Because heartbreak is beautiful pain and life is so unfair- YESSSS! “Stronger Than I Was” Yes, Yes I AM! at this point I started thinking to myself, good God woman what were you crying for anyway? By the time “Love Game” with Kendrick Lamar came on I was in heaven and about to explode with excitement because Em did it again in general with his album, and he did a song with Kendrick while they both perfectly described the crazy ass psycho side of love that most of us have experienced at one point or another. “Bitch you serious? I’m in the mirror with this look on my face, curious why you ain’t fuckin’ with me…” But on this woe-is-me turned Bad Ass Chick day, the song that motivated me to suck it up and never look back at that relationship the same again was “So Much Better”.

Ahhhh Love, it can bring out the crazy or the best in us! It can be our highs and our lows, I swear it IS a drug. So I will end with this: “Cuz. You. Told. Me. You’d. Love. Me. For. Ev.er. BITCH! that. Was. A lie! I. never.wanted. Someone. To die. So bad. In my.fucking life. But. Fuckit there’s other fish in the sea….And imma have a whale of a time….My life would be so much better if you’d just drop dead. I was laying in bed last night thinkin’ and this thought just popped in my head! Wouldn’t shit just be much easier if you’d drop dead?? I would feel soooooo muchhh bettterrrrr!” MMLP2

Saturday, I picked my boy up from the airport, as soon as we got back to my place he dug in his bag and handed me a CD. I just smiled and kept talking; I already knew what it was! He said “aren’t you going to ask what it is?”  I winked and said, “I think I know!” The baby sitter came and we started to head out for a date, I started to drive off, and he said “do you have your CD?”  I turned the car around and ran back in to get it! Popped it in and breathed a sigh of relief as the unique beats of Timbaland pumped through my speakers. I’ve been asking if anyone has it since 10/2011 when I found that I still had the CD sleeve but no CD, and couldn’t find it on iTunes, or any other place. I immediately turned to Smoke in Da Air, and I had instant perma-grin. I proceeded to Rap every lyric to all the other songs that I haven’t heard in years and he just sat there staring at me in awe and said “How the heck do you still know all the words?” I just smiled and pointed to my brain.  He even added some other stuff to the CD that I haven’t heard in forever.  When we got back from eating, we sat in my car in the garage blasting the music just dancing & being stupid.  I thought “Aww he loves me”… until Sunday when he tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, get up we’re going to … work out.  He took me to the gym and we did one of his cross-fit work outs. I most definitely could think of a better workout to do at 8am, especially since it was only 6am his time. My legs and A$$ still hurt, and it is now Tuesday.  We had a ball all weekend, with and without the boys.  Yesterday was our last day together, after we got home from dinner with the boys, we turned on music and danced around my living room to Lil Wayne Still Mobbin’ (the ONLY Weezy song he liked until I showed him some other stuff), inside I was just dying that he had to leave so soon.  The best part was when he put on a Prince song that he had to dedicate to me after our 3 days together.  Needless today it had me in tears – from laughing so hard… We proceeded to make him a CD of all the mixed tapes and other musical jewels I had that he’d never heard, including Wale’s More about Nothing, & Lil Wayne’s No Ceilings. To Be Continued.
I must leave you with a lyric from one of my jams “I’m the best that’s B and that’s capital….. We gon’ show you how we party… ” Up Jumps the Boogie – Timbaland, Magoo, & Missy Elliot.

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I’m going to give you the moral of my long ass rant first: There are reasons why there are sayings like Don’t judge a book by its cover or don’t throw stones when you live in a glass house, or what do you want to be the POT or the KETTLE?

The Rant: At a few (ha ha, a few) different times, some “Christian” women have judged me for having children with different men.  Funny thing is, they know because either I told them or someone told them with our permission.  You must know, my kids funny enough forget that they are not fully blood related, because of how they are being raised.  I just recently had to re-explain to my little guys that their dad is not the big kids’ dad. They had no clue. But yet a FUCKING outsider thinks they can look at my life and judge me and decide we are “Less than”?  I’m not in to keeping up appearances so I’d rather you know where I come from up front.  One Proud Christian Missionary had the nerve to say something about my situation; this person has 5 kids with 3 different men. Married only to the youngest of her kids’ dad. However, her oldest was the product of an affair.  She didn’t think I knew that but her son (the love child) told me because he was crying and hurt… a grown ass man who just had his life changed forever with that news which he did not find out from HER.  So one day when she was being her snotty self to me. I verbally assaulted her asking her how did she get to step up on the soap box and judge me?  I quoted a few bible verses to her and then told her she may want to talk to her son to explain why he had to find out at 43 that his dad was a married pastor?? Then I reminded her that I was actually in a relationship with all of my kids’ fathers and she had no clue why they went wrong so maybe ask what happened next time instead of just assuming she knows MY STORY. 

      Another seemingly-perfect-nose-in-the-air-snob-ass-bitch, literally questioned what possibly could I do or have I done for God, etc. because of my mixed up family. She was 2x married, has kids from both marriages.  So is she better than me because she married both men?  Best part her 2nd hubby is in prison some DEEP shit that was once on the news. She doesn’t know I knew this.  I’m pretty sure she didn’t sign up for that but I wouldn’t have ever thought to judge her for it.  As for what I’ve done for the kingdom of God…. I’ve been a middle and high school group leader, I’m still friends most of the young ladies who were in my Wednesday small group who are now grown up many married, etc. I was real with them I told them my story because I didn’t want any young lady to ever feel unloved and / or think they needed a boy to validate their own existence.  I shared my weaknesses, I dug in to the bible with them to figure out answers we needed, I went to graduation parties, listened to rap music with them, let them be them, let them spend the night, talked with them about their family issues, talked to their parents when they were seemingly unreasonable I went all in to change one person’s life and give them things I longed for as a child. I have been a part of small groups, bible studies, been an Emcee at a woman’s retreat. I am not perfect but I don’t claim to be but I’ll let you in my home and treat you like my best friend until you don’t deserve it. Ask anyone of my kids friends.  I’ll leave you with the hook of one of my new favorite songs from J. Cole: “I’m a born sinner, but I’ll die better than that.”

If you read this ~Don’t judge me! Unless you are perfect!
Imagine listening to your FAVORITE happy song… it’s just bumpin! You are singing, rapping, yodeling, whatever you do, but you are all smiles and someone just fucking riiiiips! The needle off the record and KILLS the moment. You know that sound it’s- not pretty. That’s happened to me a few times this week both personally and professionally. They say misery loves company and I can see Mr. Misery and his twin brother Mr. Selfish trying to invite me back in. I am a fan of No regrets – but I work hard on learning and growing from the bad mistakes I’ve made and my God I’ve made a TON to the point where it’s embarrassing and demeaning.

When you finally fall in love with yourself, and you look back at all the things you’ve done and allowed to be done to you – it makes you cringe, the same way you would when you watch a bad accident happen, or watch someone tear their ACL in the game of their life.

In my professional world I handled it as gracefully as I could until I couldn’t take it anymore. People mistake my niceness for weakness way too much and I went off, but we are all good. It was done in a ‘controlled’ environment so I think we will be ok.

Ok here’s the deal. Anyone who has had the pleasure of being in my company for even a little while is fully aware that I have been through hell and back in relationships. I’m a “beast” in the board room, but not “boy” smart. It’s mostly because I didn’t love myself enough to know I deserved better, sometimes I just got bamboozled and lied to because the guy was just a fucking liar, of course I’ve done my share of dirt, and I have personally apologized to most of the people I hurt in person or on the phone like an alcoholic doing the 12 steps to recovery program.

The rest of this blog is dedicated to the Beezy. Not to be confused with Breezy. Beezy is sexy, charming, manipulative, handsome, selfish as fuck, GREAT in bed, not able to commit to me 100%, nice body, loves kids, sexiest voice ever, he knows me inside and out and has put up with my shit, and thinks I’m so smart that one day I will be the CEO somewhere. He has been the calm in my very stormy life, and has talked me down from cussing folks out when I fully believe they deserve it. And he has been the STORM in my very stormy life too. As our relationship blossomed since we were not fully committed to each other we pretty much put up with shit we’d never take from anyone else and basically he showed me how to smooth some of my rough edges of the diamond I am and polish myself into a treasured jewel. Our sex was bomb, but the “relationship” was better. I only had a piece of him and I’m impatient and my limit was up before I moved. Over 3 years of waiting is some BULLSHIT. But I’m thankful that we met, and I took all the good that I learned and will use it when for good when I am in my next relationship. Basically if you listen to Guy’s ‘Piece of My Love” you’ll be swaying back and forth doing a little head bob, then when you really listen to what he’s saying you realize you are now in the world I voluntarily entered and left for the 4th time with the same guy. But he just kept sucking me back in. I’m weak, I’ll admit it. I’m listening now chuckling, because he could have written this song for me. But my ass doesn’t operate well on “no questions asked.” Right Beez?

Basically wrong or right it was love at first sight, and we’ve gone our rounds, and I’m done. I cut it off said don’t contact me again unless you are coming for me for good. He never listens, he knows me so he knows exactly how to try to sneak back in.

Now he wants to be the hurricane when the waters are super calm here! Until last night, the last text I received from him was approximately a week ago -this is a shortened version I’m reading it just to type to you: “Good morning, I went to church last night after work. Janet Floyd spoke if you don’t know her look her up. Anyway throughout the service I realized where you were coming from. So I apologize to you Kamille for taking advantage of your heart and the situation…. My intent was and is never to hurt you, I was selfish in nature while thinking my intent was good. You’re a wonderful woman who deserves….” OK you get the drift. So last night he texted me. “HI.” Something inside me snapped, and I went off. I just won’t go there with the bullshit he texted back about wanting to have a pleasant conversation and see how I’m doing. You know how the FUCK I’m doing. I’m just fine Beezy.

So I’ll end on this note, I am, always have been and always will be a camera freak, & if you want to remain “Perfect” in the eyes of others, DO. NOT. CONTACT. ME. AGAIN. (Unless you are DYING). Because you let me take pics of our time together- I can blow up your whole world from 11/2009 to your visit to Michigan for the Junior Olympics this summer before I left on my business trip. Best. Breakup sex. EVER. I don’t even think Olivia Pope could fix this one. Social media is a motherfucker and I know it’s mean, but seriously DUDE (he hates that) so is fucking with someone’s heart for damn near 4 years. I accept my part in this debacle and I picked up my records and moved on.

That. Is. All.

PS. He will read this.

And the outro music for this blog is Tyga’s “Out This Bitch” no joke. It came on while I was typing the 2nd to last paragraph, my Itunes shuffle seems to always know what theme music to play. “Fuck this shit… I’m out this bitch” Translation for those who hate cussing. I’m done, I’m walking away from this relationship.

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Anyone who knows me knows that I love my kids with all my heart and soul. I recently put a plea on FB for everyone to pray for Justin Miller and a miracle to rid him of his cancer (again) so he will live, and approximately 15 hours later my 2 oldest kids’ lives were almost taken. They were driving down the icy mountain road and a car spun out in front of them and then they were hit by a Semi truck from behind.

I don’t know if I can go into all of the horrible details as this is a fresh accident, but I have learned – re learned some valuable lessons from this situation.

I have been in an on again off again relationship with God. I struggle quite a bit with why so many things have happened with me, to me and my family, etc. But in the latter half of 2012, I decided once again to try to rekindle the relationship on my end. I read a great book called The Shack, I started praying with the boys, and having them pray for their older college siblings, and I really started to try to listen for the Big guy upstairs again. I frequently get many vivid dreams and I believe I got some relevant Intel from Him on more than one occasion especially regarding my kids. So lesson 1 pray for your kids they need a hedge of protection around them to keep them safe from accidents, disease, idiots, etc. Our prayers may not always be answered in the way we’d like or expect but I do believe prayer helps. The night the accident happened my daughter was sitting in the front while her brother drove through the snow and when she told me that they had the music low and they were concentrating, I knew to ask a good friend to pray for them and then I laid face first in bed and prayed for them until I couldn’t concentrate solely on them. Around 5 minutes or less after I stood up, my phone started to ring. I looked down and saw my son’s # calling. I froze, and said UMMM I know they can’t be home yet…. Please please don’t let anything be wrong. I answered and cautiously said “hello?” and it was my son hysterically saying “Mom we just got in an accident and it’s really bad. That was definitely the opposite of the witty banter I was hoping to hear from my daughter on her brother’s phone because hers died as usual.

That leads me to lesson 2 not just prayer, but Volvo’s save lives. When I saw the pictures and heard the story of what happened I kept replaying it over and over in my head, getting scared, angry, sad, and then when I was texting a few friends to let them know what happened it hit me! OH MY GOD, if he hadn’t bought that Volvo they’d be dead right now. I almost gave them my car when I moved so that I could get a new one, which would have been a huge tragedy. I am so happy his first car purchase was from a caring man at a mom and pop shop who really listened to what he needed.

Lesson 3 for all of you parents out there who have children growing into adults, make sure you force your child as long as they are on your health insurance to meet with a new primary care physician once they move past age 18. In case of emergencies like a freaking car accident! My son, following the pattern of many men, refused to go to the Dr. for physicals, etc. once he got to college, because he didn’t ‘need’ one. Well yesterday I spent many hours on the phone trying to get him in to be re-checked by a Dr. but because he is considered a new patient, no one had any time/space for him. Yes ladies and gentlemen even if it’s follow up after a horrid accident. I had really friendly concerned individuals helping me, but as soon as they called me back after talking to the Dr. we were shut down. I finally found a Dr. that got him in and that’s probably only because he had been there Jr. year of high school and I let them know what we had been through trying to find someone. He could have gone to the ER but we didn’t want to rack up any extra bills. This was unnecessary stress adding on to an already stressful situation.

Lesson 4 – There is at least Idaho Springs, Colorado Police Officer that is a complete ASSHOLE. This is another part of the accident story that I don’t know I should be broadcasting. But I’ll just tell you the things that I and some of my friends said to me after I told them what he did and didn’t do:

“Is this a dream?” “My life always has to be drama like a FUCKING movie!” “UMMM Is…that…even…LEEEEGALLLL?” “Are you Fucking Kidding me???!!!” “Please tell me they got his badge number!!” – Do I really need to go on?

Lesson 5 – Wine, Vodka, Godiva Kabobs, and Massively Large pickles are really yummy in stressful situations.

Lesson 6 Timing is everything. I couldn’t have planned this, but as I was on the phone with my children, mom and sister dealing with the after math of the crash. I was also trying to figure out when my buddy’s delayed due to the wonderful Colorado snow plane was going to land. Luckily it was my lifelong friend Jennie, who gets my “crazy” coming to visit. We had a great time but she let me deal with the craziness of the kids’ accident, gave solutions and really helped me not go nuts. If she weren’t with me this past weekend, I think I would have been a basket case.

Last lesson of this blog… 7 – Spirit airlines. Don’t . Fly. With. Them. Since their website was not giving me proper information, I decided to call them. I got someone on the line and I said. “I need to know when the ACTUAL departure time for flight 957 (or whatever the flight # was ),” and the customer service agent gave me the original time, which I had. I calmly and slowly stated again that I needed to know when the flight left Denver so that I could not have my guest waiting at the airport. The agent then proceeded to ask for the passengers first and last name. I was in complete shock! What if I was not a friend, and was stalking her, or worse? Just give the passengers name and Spirit may give you their seat number what they are wearing and the approximate number of minutes they should take to exit the plane once it lands! Seriously?! I said something like “WHY do you need her name? “ Then, I said “you know what I’m just going to hang up!” And I did.

In true Cool K fashion, I can’t have peace, calm and happy for very long – not sure why…. But I can get 2-3 crazy situations all rolled up in to one ugly ass package!

Dear Kendrick Lamar… The bitches done Killed my Vibe…

I have had the desire to get out of Colorado for a long time.  Not because I felt the grass was greener somewhere else, because, truly anywhere I go it’s going to be Green.   As I type that goofy sentence I sit here smiling.  Here’s the deal.  My family was stationed in Colorado in the early 1980’s and we just never left after my father was killed while overseas.  I have had dreams of getting out of Colorado since my father and I wrote letters to each other about where we’d live and the things we would do when he finished his job in Turkey. 

When I used to travel for my job when I worked at MCI, I dreamed of getting transferred to another state, but never pursued it.  When my kids played soccer, we discussed moving, so they could play where coaches seemed to be more interested in their abilities over their family’s social status/rank.  There was even a time when I actually put the wheels in motion to move but my tires were deflated and I had to stay put.

Whether it has been, doubt, fear, finances, or relationships, something has always prevented me from getting out. Now finally right before I open the door to Forty, I packed up and left the Mile High City. Yes I will miss my family and friends, and yes I will miss the constant sunshine, but I think I’ll be ok. Yes I only have 1 friend turned emergency contact here, ahh the little things I didn’t think of when planning my cross country trek, but I am always saying live with no regrets so I’m trying to do just that.  I don’t want to wonder what life would be like IF I would have taken a chance and done something different.   I want to practice what I preach and try to live out my dreams. 

I’m excited to be able to learn and grow in a city that is new to me!  I’m excited to try to start over as much as one can at my age! I’m excited that I only live a short drive to my family in Chicago, or Louisville! I’m excited that my drive to work is traffic free 98% of the time! Hey –  I’m just plain excited.  

In the short time we’ve been here, my boys have adjusted to their new schools and the area once again proving that kids are truly resilient!  I have been sitting back relaxing, while taking in my new home, and cherishing the life lessons I’ve learned so far.

I know that things will not always go as planned, when do they ever – especially in my world? 

I cannot wait for the trees to bloom, the hot weather, the Ann Arbor festivals, and the fun we will have at different lakes in Michigan. We are all ready for the cold days to end and for the warmer temperatures to come to town. 

I’ve got a new ‘fortitude’ ~ 40’s attitude – and it does have all the same qualities as the original meaning of the word:  Strength, Courage, Resilience, Grit, Determination, & Endurance.

Here’s to new beginnings!

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The End…

Yesterday after blogging the Deep Shit, I was informed that I hadn’t blogged about what happened with the guy I met.
We hung out for about a month. We had fun, and lots of laughs. I ended it right before my birthday in October.
I really didn’t give him a good explanation, so I’m not sure that it’s fair I blog about it. But life’s not fair so I’ll give a short story.
I could not see myself with him long term Bottom Line.
He tried to discuss why I ended it but it wasn’t up for discussion. I’m not gonna be like G-Love and let people use me as a Stepping Stone. He’ll have to figure out what’s wrong on his own.
He got annoyed with me since I wouldn’t tell him about it and turned down my “well we can possibly be friends” suggestion.
He tried to call me a few times and I was cordial but shut down. Once was to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, and then again to ask me if I knew where he could buy a locking journal and to tell me he and his friend started a blog. My response, Uh NO… then I ignored what his blog name was called because I really don’t give a fuck! He didn’t even know what the hell a blog was until I told him. In his last attempt he tried to come to me with the sympathy play and I acknowledged the sadness in what he told me and asked him why he was contacting me. He said “wow I didn’t think you could be such a cruel black bitch!” Which as I type this I laugh because the second time we met he asked what me being a bitch looked like because he couldn’t see it.
Well don’t you just love it when questions are answered?
After that I sent him a very low key verbal assault, via text and deleted his contact information from my phone. I then got that scared feeling of oh Shiiit what if he goes psycho on me vibe? I.e. stalking, stuff like that. But I’ll chalk it up to too much Dexter, CSI’s, Criminal Minds, etc.

I tell my kids if you can’t see yourself with someone you are dating long term, don’t waste their time or yours.
I will say this, because he and I were so honest with each other from the start, that’s how I knew right away we wouldn’t last based on what I want and don’t want in a long term relationship.
Now I fully understand why people lie to get in with someone and then either try and fail to change who they really are or show their true colors and mess up the seemingly pretty picture.
You can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t predict the weather” – Outkast

Deep Shit

They say money can’t buy happiness and while that may be true, it can buy or allow for more peace of mind.
I recently read an article in Time Magazine titled ‘Below the Line.’ It was right on time (ha ha no pun intended) for me because I was beginning to think I was crazy not being able to manage all that life throws my way. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I spend what I shouldn’t just because I don’t want to live my life strapped to the budget~ but I don’t do it all the time.
Anyway, in the article it says that (I shortened the list) “Americas poor is comprised of low wage workers, Single mothers, disabled vets, formally incarcerated, under educated, and the fallen middle class. They live in the inner-city and the wealthiest suburbs. And they are growing in number.” I scoffed at the poverty line being set at an annual income of $22,314 for a family of 4. “Last year 46.2 million Americans lived below that line – the most since the US Census Bureau started keeping track in 1959.”
I love the reality of this article she lets you know that a poor family can have a car, even a cell phone but they can still struggle to make ends meet some months or every month.
It brings to light what I live sometimes. I really just want to know, WHO THE HELL set the poverty line at $22,314 for a family of 4?! That’s BEFORE taxes – the person/people who set that are NOT in reality and have never had to struggle. This equates to $5578.5/person PRETAX! Now let’s take that further. If one of the 4 is under 5 and they have 1-2 working parents, there is a daycare cost which is no less than 9k a year, and more if you have a 2nd one. In the article she stated how people have to rely on other family members or friends to offset the childcare costs. I’m here right now. I get this! Unfortunately if your family members or friends are in a position to help, they are probably not struggling and may or may not understand the desperate needs we on the other side have to go through.
I loved how this article talked about how if you are in the middle, you may not be able to fix the vehicle you own if something goes wrong with it. I’ve been here a few times too. She told about a single mom who had been late to work a few times, because she had some car troubles, then her cell phone got shut off the same day her son had to be taken to the hospital, so by the time she got to the hospital to call her job she had been classified as a no call no show and they terminated her.
There was a study done where people were given a chance to be in the poor or working poor’s shoes. They were given a scenario, with an income amount and a problem and they needed to come up with a solution. People actually walked away from the exercise and refused to finish. I know why, because this shit SUCKS! Even if you are just in a mock situation.
Thank you Barbara Kiviat for interviewing people, researching and writing this article, you helped me realize I’m not alone. I already knew there are people worse off than me but it helped to know that SOME ONE out there gets it.
I fall into the single mother category. I make above the poverty line, but I’m also in reality. I want my kids to feel as normal as possible in the wonderful USA and to be able to incorporate into our society. The salary I make is not miniscule, howeve when you subtract the child care cost from my income, that literally wipes out anything else for that child. What am I supposed to say, sorry little one you only get daycare this year, no food, no clothes, no toys etc? Nope, so I have to manage as if I make 10-15k less than I really do. And since I’m above the poverty line there is NO help out there for me.
If you are a hard working bust your ass single mom like me – you still get fucked. You make too much for ANY kind of assistance, and then you have to make choices like, “HMMM should I buy less groceries this month so that my kid can play her high school sport that she rocks at?”
For me personally I don’t mind being a single mom, it’s being a single mom with God Damned deadbeats. They don’t give a shit or consider how their lack of assistance screws their kid of living the life they should be able to live.
Some days I stare at the Colorado State Child support website and dream of what I could do with the $50k+ that I’m owed in court ordered back support. I dream about how things would be even if we got little chunks of that at a time. Yet the fucking deadbeats don’t file their taxes because they know I’ll get their refunds, or they file in such a way so that they won’t get garnished. One even took his name off his house so, and put it in his wife and friends name, I assume so I wouldn’t get the proceeds of the sale like I should.
But what kills me and my kids is that they support their kids that are from their 2nd family that came AFTER them. J. Cole says in his song ‘Lights Please’ “Coward nigga you a fake – how you gonna look in your sons face and turn your back – then go start another family dog – what type of shit is that?!” He gets how we FEEL in the Greenhouse!
The other day a clip from a Tupac interview came on my ipod and he says “I can’t buy cars, can’t get rent, can’t get none of that,….America eats it’s babies”. So true had he not blown up as a rapper he would’ve been continually poor because he had a criminal record. Most likely because of growing up without when he was younger.
So lately I’ve been sick, had massive headaches, nosebleeds and have been super stressed trying to figure out how I’m going to manage these last 8 months until my youngest is in full time kindergarten. Which will bring my monthly child care bill for him from damned near 1000/month to 280/month, while I figure out how to get my 2nd oldest off to college with all the things she needs and air fare to get out there, and pay bills, and continue to do a good job at work for my above average salary for a single mom of 4.
Today, I looked up to the sky and prayed to God to either help me or kill me. Because If I die a non suicidal death, at least my kids will get some life insurance and be able to get through school or have a chunk of money aside to get their lives started and Hey maybe the younger boys dad may even come get them and consistently take care of them.
(Yep, I did the math to see how my oldest would need to split it amongst them for 8 or 10 years.)
Ahhh the things one has to think about in desperate times.
God’s quick answer to me…. No joke – Another nose bleed at 7:15am today.

(Please note, I’m not suicidal or planning to commit suicide, but sometimes life does drive one to think about how much better off one would be if they were not on this earth)
Real talk from the Middle….

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