Prayer, Volvos and other stuff

Anyone who knows me knows that I love my kids with all my heart and soul. I recently put a plea on FB for everyone to pray for Justin Miller and a miracle to rid him of his cancer (again) so he will live, and approximately 15 hours later my 2 oldest kids’ lives were almost taken. They were driving down the icy mountain road and a car spun out in front of them and then they were hit by a Semi truck from behind.

I don’t know if I can go into all of the horrible details as this is a fresh accident, but I have learned – re learned some valuable lessons from this situation.

I have been in an on again off again relationship with God. I struggle quite a bit with why so many things have happened with me, to me and my family, etc. But in the latter half of 2012, I decided once again to try to rekindle the relationship on my end. I read a great book called The Shack, I started praying with the boys, and having them pray for their older college siblings, and I really started to try to listen for the Big guy upstairs again. I frequently get many vivid dreams and I believe I got some relevant Intel from Him on more than one occasion especially regarding my kids. So lesson 1 pray for your kids they need a hedge of protection around them to keep them safe from accidents, disease, idiots, etc. Our prayers may not always be answered in the way we’d like or expect but I do believe prayer helps. The night the accident happened my daughter was sitting in the front while her brother drove through the snow and when she told me that they had the music low and they were concentrating, I knew to ask a good friend to pray for them and then I laid face first in bed and prayed for them until I couldn’t concentrate solely on them. Around 5 minutes or less after I stood up, my phone started to ring. I looked down and saw my son’s # calling. I froze, and said UMMM I know they can’t be home yet…. Please please don’t let anything be wrong. I answered and cautiously said “hello?” and it was my son hysterically saying “Mom we just got in an accident and it’s really bad. That was definitely the opposite of the witty banter I was hoping to hear from my daughter on her brother’s phone because hers died as usual.

That leads me to lesson 2 not just prayer, but Volvo’s save lives. When I saw the pictures and heard the story of what happened I kept replaying it over and over in my head, getting scared, angry, sad, and then when I was texting a few friends to let them know what happened it hit me! OH MY GOD, if he hadn’t bought that Volvo they’d be dead right now. I almost gave them my car when I moved so that I could get a new one, which would have been a huge tragedy. I am so happy his first car purchase was from a caring man at a mom and pop shop who really listened to what he needed.

Lesson 3 for all of you parents out there who have children growing into adults, make sure you force your child as long as they are on your health insurance to meet with a new primary care physician once they move past age 18. In case of emergencies like a freaking car accident! My son, following the pattern of many men, refused to go to the Dr. for physicals, etc. once he got to college, because he didn’t ‘need’ one. Well yesterday I spent many hours on the phone trying to get him in to be re-checked by a Dr. but because he is considered a new patient, no one had any time/space for him. Yes ladies and gentlemen even if it’s follow up after a horrid accident. I had really friendly concerned individuals helping me, but as soon as they called me back after talking to the Dr. we were shut down. I finally found a Dr. that got him in and that’s probably only because he had been there Jr. year of high school and I let them know what we had been through trying to find someone. He could have gone to the ER but we didn’t want to rack up any extra bills. This was unnecessary stress adding on to an already stressful situation.

Lesson 4 – There is at least Idaho Springs, Colorado Police Officer that is a complete ASSHOLE. This is another part of the accident story that I don’t know I should be broadcasting. But I’ll just tell you the things that I and some of my friends said to me after I told them what he did and didn’t do:

“Is this a dream?” “My life always has to be drama like a FUCKING movie!” “UMMM Is…that…even…LEEEEGALLLL?” “Are you Fucking Kidding me???!!!” “Please tell me they got his badge number!!” – Do I really need to go on?

Lesson 5 – Wine, Vodka, Godiva Kabobs, and Massively Large pickles are really yummy in stressful situations.

Lesson 6 Timing is everything. I couldn’t have planned this, but as I was on the phone with my children, mom and sister dealing with the after math of the crash. I was also trying to figure out when my buddy’s delayed due to the wonderful Colorado snow plane was going to land. Luckily it was my lifelong friend Jennie, who gets my “crazy” coming to visit. We had a great time but she let me deal with the craziness of the kids’ accident, gave solutions and really helped me not go nuts. If she weren’t with me this past weekend, I think I would have been a basket case.

Last lesson of this blog… 7 – Spirit airlines. Don’t . Fly. With. Them. Since their website was not giving me proper information, I decided to call them. I got someone on the line and I said. “I need to know when the ACTUAL departure time for flight 957 (or whatever the flight # was ),” and the customer service agent gave me the original time, which I had. I calmly and slowly stated again that I needed to know when the flight left Denver so that I could not have my guest waiting at the airport. The agent then proceeded to ask for the passengers first and last name. I was in complete shock! What if I was not a friend, and was stalking her, or worse? Just give the passengers name and Spirit may give you their seat number what they are wearing and the approximate number of minutes they should take to exit the plane once it lands! Seriously?! I said something like “WHY do you need her name? “ Then, I said “you know what I’m just going to hang up!” And I did.

In true Cool K fashion, I can’t have peace, calm and happy for very long – not sure why…. But I can get 2-3 crazy situations all rolled up in to one ugly ass package!

Dear Kendrick Lamar… The bitches done Killed my Vibe…

A Fresh Start part 1

I have had the desire to get out of Colorado for a long time.  Not because I felt the grass was greener somewhere else, because, truly anywhere I go it’s going to be Green.   As I type that goofy sentence I sit here smiling.  Here’s the deal.  My family was stationed in Colorado in the early 1980’s and we just never left after my father was killed while overseas.  I have had dreams of getting out of Colorado since my father and I wrote letters to each other about where we’d live and the things we would do when he finished his job in Turkey. 

When I used to travel for my job when I worked at MCI, I dreamed of getting transferred to another state, but never pursued it.  When my kids played soccer, we discussed moving, so they could play where coaches seemed to be more interested in their abilities over their family’s social status/rank.  There was even a time when I actually put the wheels in motion to move but my tires were deflated and I had to stay put.

Whether it has been, doubt, fear, finances, or relationships, something has always prevented me from getting out. Now finally right before I open the door to Forty, I packed up and left the Mile High City. Yes I will miss my family and friends, and yes I will miss the constant sunshine, but I think I’ll be ok. Yes I only have 1 friend turned emergency contact here, ahh the little things I didn’t think of when planning my cross country trek, but I am always saying live with no regrets so I’m trying to do just that.  I don’t want to wonder what life would be like IF I would have taken a chance and done something different.   I want to practice what I preach and try to live out my dreams. 

I’m excited to be able to learn and grow in a city that is new to me!  I’m excited to try to start over as much as one can at my age! I’m excited that I only live a short drive to my family in Chicago, or Louisville! I’m excited that my drive to work is traffic free 98% of the time! Hey –  I’m just plain excited.  

In the short time we’ve been here, my boys have adjusted to their new schools and the area once again proving that kids are truly resilient!  I have been sitting back relaxing, while taking in my new home, and cherishing the life lessons I’ve learned so far.

I know that things will not always go as planned, when do they ever – especially in my world? 

I cannot wait for the trees to bloom, the hot weather, the Ann Arbor festivals, and the fun we will have at different lakes in Michigan. We are all ready for the cold days to end and for the warmer temperatures to come to town. 

I’ve got a new ‘fortitude’ ~ 40’s attitude – and it does have all the same qualities as the original meaning of the word:  Strength, Courage, Resilience, Grit, Determination, & Endurance.

Here’s to new beginnings!

 

The End…

Yesterday after blogging the Deep Shit, I was informed that I hadn’t blogged about what happened with the guy I met.
We hung out for about a month. We had fun, and lots of laughs. I ended it right before my birthday in October.
I really didn’t give him a good explanation, so I’m not sure that it’s fair I blog about it. But life’s not fair so I’ll give a short story.
I could not see myself with him long term Bottom Line.
He tried to discuss why I ended it but it wasn’t up for discussion. I’m not gonna be like G-Love and let people use me as a Stepping Stone. He’ll have to figure out what’s wrong on his own.
He got annoyed with me since I wouldn’t tell him about it and turned down my “well we can possibly be friends” suggestion.
He tried to call me a few times and I was cordial but shut down. Once was to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving, and then again to ask me if I knew where he could buy a locking journal and to tell me he and his friend started a blog. My response, Uh NO… then I ignored what his blog name was called because I really don’t give a fuck! He didn’t even know what the hell a blog was until I told him. In his last attempt he tried to come to me with the sympathy play and I acknowledged the sadness in what he told me and asked him why he was contacting me. He said “wow I didn’t think you could be such a cruel black bitch!” Which as I type this I laugh because the second time we met he asked what me being a bitch looked like because he couldn’t see it.
Well don’t you just love it when questions are answered?
After that I sent him a very low key verbal assault, via text and deleted his contact information from my phone. I then got that scared feeling of oh Shiiit what if he goes psycho on me vibe? I.e. stalking, stuff like that. But I’ll chalk it up to too much Dexter, CSI’s, Criminal Minds, etc.

I tell my kids if you can’t see yourself with someone you are dating long term, don’t waste their time or yours.
I will say this, because he and I were so honest with each other from the start, that’s how I knew right away we wouldn’t last based on what I want and don’t want in a long term relationship.
Now I fully understand why people lie to get in with someone and then either try and fail to change who they really are or show their true colors and mess up the seemingly pretty picture.
“You can plan a pretty picnic but you can’t predict the weather” – Outkast

Deep Shit

They say money can’t buy happiness and while that may be true, it can buy or allow for more peace of mind.
I recently read an article in Time Magazine titled ‘Below the Line.’ It was right on time (ha ha no pun intended) for me because I was beginning to think I was crazy not being able to manage all that life throws my way. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I spend what I shouldn’t just because I don’t want to live my life strapped to the budget~ but I don’t do it all the time.
Anyway, in the article it says that (I shortened the list) “Americas poor is comprised of low wage workers, Single mothers, disabled vets, formally incarcerated, under educated, and the fallen middle class. They live in the inner-city and the wealthiest suburbs. And they are growing in number.” I scoffed at the poverty line being set at an annual income of $22,314 for a family of 4. “Last year 46.2 million Americans lived below that line – the most since the US Census Bureau started keeping track in 1959.”
I love the reality of this article she lets you know that a poor family can have a car, even a cell phone but they can still struggle to make ends meet some months or every month.
It brings to light what I live sometimes. I really just want to know, WHO THE HELL set the poverty line at $22,314 for a family of 4?! That’s BEFORE taxes – the person/people who set that are NOT in reality and have never had to struggle. This equates to $5578.5/person PRETAX! Now let’s take that further. If one of the 4 is under 5 and they have 1-2 working parents, there is a daycare cost which is no less than 9k a year, and more if you have a 2nd one. In the article she stated how people have to rely on other family members or friends to offset the childcare costs. I’m here right now. I get this! Unfortunately if your family members or friends are in a position to help, they are probably not struggling and may or may not understand the desperate needs we on the other side have to go through.
I loved how this article talked about how if you are in the middle, you may not be able to fix the vehicle you own if something goes wrong with it. I’ve been here a few times too. She told about a single mom who had been late to work a few times, because she had some car troubles, then her cell phone got shut off the same day her son had to be taken to the hospital, so by the time she got to the hospital to call her job she had been classified as a no call no show and they terminated her.
There was a study done where people were given a chance to be in the poor or working poor’s shoes. They were given a scenario, with an income amount and a problem and they needed to come up with a solution. People actually walked away from the exercise and refused to finish. I know why, because this shit SUCKS! Even if you are just in a mock situation.
Thank you Barbara Kiviat for interviewing people, researching and writing this article, you helped me realize I’m not alone. I already knew there are people worse off than me but it helped to know that SOME ONE out there gets it.
I fall into the single mother category. I make above the poverty line, but I’m also in reality. I want my kids to feel as normal as possible in the wonderful USA and to be able to incorporate into our society. The salary I make is not miniscule, howeve when you subtract the child care cost from my income, that literally wipes out anything else for that child. What am I supposed to say, sorry little one you only get daycare this year, no food, no clothes, no toys etc? Nope, so I have to manage as if I make 10-15k less than I really do. And since I’m above the poverty line there is NO help out there for me.
If you are a hard working bust your ass single mom like me – you still get fucked. You make too much for ANY kind of assistance, and then you have to make choices like, “HMMM should I buy less groceries this month so that my kid can play her high school sport that she rocks at?”
For me personally I don’t mind being a single mom, it’s being a single mom with God Damned deadbeats. They don’t give a shit or consider how their lack of assistance screws their kid of living the life they should be able to live.
Some days I stare at the Colorado State Child support website and dream of what I could do with the $50k+ that I’m owed in court ordered back support. I dream about how things would be even if we got little chunks of that at a time. Yet the fucking deadbeats don’t file their taxes because they know I’ll get their refunds, or they file in such a way so that they won’t get garnished. One even took his name off his house so, and put it in his wife and friends name, I assume so I wouldn’t get the proceeds of the sale like I should.
But what kills me and my kids is that they support their kids that are from their 2nd family that came AFTER them. J. Cole says in his song ‘Lights Please’ “Coward nigga you a fake – how you gonna look in your sons face and turn your back – then go start another family dog – what type of shit is that?!” He gets how we FEEL in the Greenhouse!
The other day a clip from a Tupac interview came on my ipod and he says “I can’t buy cars, can’t get rent, can’t get none of that,….America eats it’s babies”. So true had he not blown up as a rapper he would’ve been continually poor because he had a criminal record. Most likely because of growing up without when he was younger.
So lately I’ve been sick, had massive headaches, nosebleeds and have been super stressed trying to figure out how I’m going to manage these last 8 months until my youngest is in full time kindergarten. Which will bring my monthly child care bill for him from damned near 1000/month to 280/month, while I figure out how to get my 2nd oldest off to college with all the things she needs and air fare to get out there, and pay bills, and continue to do a good job at work for my above average salary for a single mom of 4.
Today, I looked up to the sky and prayed to God to either help me or kill me. Because If I die a non suicidal death, at least my kids will get some life insurance and be able to get through school or have a chunk of money aside to get their lives started and Hey maybe the younger boys dad may even come get them and consistently take care of them.
(Yep, I did the math to see how my oldest would need to split it amongst them for 8 or 10 years.)
Ahhh the things one has to think about in desperate times.
God’s quick answer to me…. No joke – Another nose bleed at 7:15am today.

(Please note, I’m not suicidal or planning to commit suicide, but sometimes life does drive one to think about how much better off one would be if they were not on this earth)
Real talk from the Middle….

Chemistry

X and I have talked every day since we met. Not over kill, but we talk. Turns out we have more in common, they are little things but still worth noting. We both like to write (I almost told him that he’s my feature blog story but I didn’t), and when he described is love of pens, I had to say “SHUT UP!!!” Because he described writing with a pen the way I do. “It has to be smooth, and feel good in your hands, & it doesn’t have to be expensive, etc.” One of my old co-workers used to leave Office max catalogs in my chair at work because he joked that I could have orgasms from the pen section.
X is definitely a charmer. He wanted to come see me Tuesday but decided he should be patient and see me when we have more time. Yesterday he called and said, “Ok, I want some good wings and some good conversation, do you think you can handle that? Oh and if you can’t give me the good conversation, just come hang out with me and sit there and have dinner with me.” So I jumped in the shower trying to feel better; because I thought I was going to puke from the work out I had just done, and got ready. I put the boys to bed, so he could pick me up. We went to Tilly’s, and some other skater type store looking for some sunglasses and shoes he liked, then we went to a restaurant in the area. I opened the door before he got a chance and I saw the look on his face so I apologized and said “I am such a guy, and I never let people get the door for me.” So I backed up so he could get it and he said “that’s alright, you’re not going to make me forget my good manners!” He likes hot spicy food, so he ordered the east coast Indian wings, according to the waitress they were the hottest of their wings. I was not too hungry, but I ate a couple and they were really good. We talked and laughed a lot about everything. He asked to see what pen i wrote with at work today and I pulled it out and modeled it! I asked him what’s his best quality that someone would brag about him, and he had a good answer. At the end of his answer, I said “You are a glass half full kind of guy eh?”
Hurricane Kamille did show up, thankfully AFTER I told him I was named after a hurricane to smooth over a potentially embarrassing situation. The wings were slippery and one flew out of his hand, onto the ground so I said “oh now that’s something I would’ve expected to happen to me.” I told him I’m named after a hurricane. Then I swear a minute later I did the same thing! So he said “Please tell me you’ve seen Pretty Woman, because this is like the scene when she’s eating lobster in the movie ‘Slippery little suckers!’ ” and we cracked up. I was not in the mood for a drink, so we just drank water. I told him he could drink if he wanted to, I just didn’t want to.
For 2 people who don’t like many love stories, when we talked about movies, we discussed an arsenal of them. Oddly enough I hadn’t seen his favorites and vice a versa.
I refused to play pool with him because I suck at it, and I wouldn’t play the basketball game, because I had on a top that was not appropriate for shooting hoops unless the girls were going to potentially come out for a sneak preview. At one point I gently grabbed his face and said “Ok what is it about you?!” and he asked “Why, because this is comfortable?” Me: “Yeah, Soooo are you a player, what the heck?!” Then X replied with what I believe all guys think a girl wants to hear, (this is not verbatim but I’m trying to remember as best as I can.) “I have been, but I seriously do want to be in a committed relationship.” I kissed him and said “You’re cute.” That was my way of just shutting him up before the moment was ruined. Hey it could be true, but I just wanted to move on. I did tell X that a friend called me the other day and let me know that now that he’s gotten to know me, I’m a real cool girl and all that’s missing is a GOOD relationship. (Or something along those lines.) That was sort of out of the blue and sweet, especially since I had just met X 3 days earlier. Here’s the insight into me: I told X that conversation, because I’m extremely insecure about people wondering why “such a cool girl is single.” It was my way of saying even someone who is not romantically interested in me sees my potential. He paid the bill, and we walked to the car then sat outside for a while talking some more.
We discussed how the way we were acting right now is how we both are, and he said so “If you like how I am now, then you like me.”
I told him same for me EXCEPT (surprise) I can be real bitchy! X laughed and asked “What does that even look like on you?” I was like, “Oh don’t be fooled I can be a real bitch.” He asked if it was in conjunction with the womanly time and I let him know that is usually the case but not always.
I asked him if he wanted to hear his ringtone for when he calls me and he was shocked that he had a special ring. I played the entire song for him, Chris Brown “Back To the Crib” off of his Fan of a Fan mixed tape. It was originally my ringtone for all general callers but it fit the situation, so I changed it to be solely his.
We had a PG-13 moment for the 4:15 minutes the song played and then he said “Nice song! I like it.”
I showed him how “romantic” I am by playing what I deem a “love song” which was Mrs. Officer, by Lil Wayne, and we cracked up.
We had some more laughs about the dating rules and I told him since he knows where I live, I do watch Criminal Minds, and not to get any ideas of killing me. He reassured me that I don’t have to worry about that with him. I said why, “you too pretty for Jail?” And he said “Hell yeah! And so are you! Those girls will tear you up” Ha! He was shocked at the muscles in my legs and said “Whoa! I didn’t realize it was like that, you got soccer legs for real, and the ladies in prison would like them too.”
At the end, he said he had a great time and he enjoyed our time, because I’m smart and funny. I asked “How do you know I’m smart?” His reply was because “Stupid ass people say some STUPID ass stuff.” I cracked up and advised him I do have blonde moments. He also mentioned we’d be the kind of couple that shops for Pens together ha! (I just threw up in my mouth a little at the cuteness of it all)
Last kiss of the night I freaking died laughing and he wondered what the heck. I told him, “I don’t even know your last name!” So he said “you mean to tell me that’s what’s been going through your mind?” I batted my ‘pretty eyes’ and said “YEP!” We exchanged last names and that was it. So his name is now X Y, to symbolize he’s all man!
I am going to roll the credits here; Eazy E’s “Boyz-N-The-Hood” (remix) just came on! “Knowing nothing in life, but to be legit…. Don’t quote me boy, cuz I ain’t said Sh*t!” Love the beat to this song!

The Long Kiss Goodnight

Just so I could be completely accurate in my Spanish translation, I looked up the word X and it’s really spelled Eks – not Equis. So I’m calling mr Dos Equis X from now on. In searching for the spelling of X in espanol, it made me look up guapo, because really, my memory of that meaning handsome is from my high school learnin’. I was happy to see that Mr. Davila was an excellent teacher of the language to the point of 20 years later I still remember some stuff! The full mydictionary.net translation of Guapo translated to English is amusing to me. I’m such a freaking child sometimes, but here it is: Guapo: good looking, nice-looking, pretty, beautiful, nice, COMELY?!?!?!?!, handsome, DANDIFIED!?!?!?!!?
I keep giggling… comely… dandified… mmmk.
Well I didn’t find out if X was ‘comely’ in the way my brain thinks of that word, (still freaking giggling) but he and I did meet up last night. We took a walk around an outdoor mall just talking and chatting. He was so cute he stared at me and I said “What are you looking at?” and he said “I was just making sure you really looked the way I remembered, and you do.” Awh, I can’t wait to see if he’s just full of shit or not peeps!
The black (negro en espanol) side of him did come out. Now this is just an assumption, but at one point he touched the top of my head and I KNOW it was to see if my hair was real or a weave!! He did it real slick, but because I just learned about how weaves really work, etc I caught it, because I’m not going to lie sometimes I want to do that to people too! Tears are streaming down my face because I am laughing so hard as I write this.
My hair is real, the blonde streaks and all if you are wondering.
We stopped in one of my favorite restaurants, and sat at the bar, he saw my eyes and commented on how pretty they were and that’s where I slipped in. Every part of me is real! To ease the question that could have possibly been burning in his mind – is that her hair or is that HER $ hair?
In summary, we had a good time, it was short but enjoyable, I asked him a very important question, “Do you like Eminem?” and he said “YES! After Tupac and Biggie are gone he’s the real deal.” Ladies and Gentlemen he won many cool points with me, ESPECIALLY when he said ‘Til I Collapse & Soldier’ are his pump up songs. If you are a person that needs to get PUMPED up for ANYTHING, may I please suggest these 2 choices for an adrenaline rush? I’m pretty sure when Joshua and the other men were fighting the battle of Jericho, they too would have enjoyed these songs to get pumped up before walking around the city. “These shoulders hold up so much….” The only concert he’s ever been to was the Jackson’s Victory tour at Mile High Stadium, and he said he would love to see Prince at some point. Wow, 3 musical artists that I love good job buddy!
He’s handsome, not as sexy as the Beast – yep I said it. But I am not complaining. Good personality, a gentleman, he played soccer for many years, competitive – travel and all. My sister will appreciate that he is NOT a Bronco fan AT all. He too will cheer on any team that is playing the Broncos.
When we walked back down to his car, it was a little stroll, and he held my hand, and it was cool. When we said good bye, he hugged me, then leaned in for the kiss. I don’t have a set of rules I follow, but I was ‘feeling’ him and I had a good time, so why the heck do I need to wait for 3 damned dates to see if the man can kiss?! So I went for it. Let’s just say neither of us expected that kind of kiss. We’ll definitely see each other again, I don’t see why not. I’m not reading anything into any of this. I’m just checking out the scenery. I did tell him that I’m a total texter so he would not be offended if I text vs. call, or so he could say Grow up!!
Funny thing though, with me it’s feast or famine with the boys. Guess who texted me this AM, and may be coming to my city for work possibly this month? I’m totally excited; it’s my east coast friend. I usually tell him I don’t have a man, which is the truth, because unless the Beast can be called my man, I have not had one since me and East Coast guy met in person a couple of years ago. Then a guy I’ve liked on and off since we reconnected has been chatting me up on and off, and of course today it’s on. Will anyone else come out of the woodwork because they’ve been thinking of me today? I always fail the man test, I surrender, I waive the white freaking flag, the towel is thrown in.

I will end this by saying I got a text saying he is looking forward to seeing me again.
“You don’t have to be rich to be my girl, you don’t have to be cool to rule my world – ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with, I just want your extra time and your……………” Sing it with me!

Look at all the pretty colors! Part1!

Disclaimer, the words and stories in this are true, and some things I say are just my rambling opinions because I just wanted to write about one of my favorite subjects, feel free to judge and criticize me, but remember I’m also testing out my ability to keep an audience entertained!
Anyone who knows me knows that men are my weakness. I love them, and sadly some of the ones I have allowed in my life have turned out to be not the right choice to put it nicely. All for different reasons, sometimes I just run, sometimes they are too smothering, sometimes they think they can control me and sometimes they have issues that just didn’t decide to come out until 3+ years into the relationship, some I just plain thought the grass was greener. My least favorite reason for stuff not working out is cheating on me. I’m not one to just say and do what you want but if you communicate with me I’ll totally work to fix the issues and I love intimacy and all that goes with it, so if I’m not satisfying in that way, you tell me I’ll fix it! Example my ex hubby said I was really bad at something – I think he was just being a dick, but I’m a competitive girl, so I fixed it to prove a point, tried it again, he loved it started asking for it and unfortunately he cheated on me so he lost that right, but there are a few ‘gentlemen’ out there that would BEG to differ with the EX about my skill level before – and after the complaint.
Sometimes I believe the cheating is strictly bad karma from some of the shit I’ve done in the past, but some of the shit I’ve done is because I was cheated on. It’s a vicious circle I tell you. No excuses though, we all make choices some just make them better than others.
Back to the topic, Ahhh yes, men!
Some are just beautiful creatures, and who ever said bald is beautiful is right! I have a great friend who is eye candy, no matter who you are as a female if you see him, you will definitely lose yourself in his beauty if only for just a moment. Mr. Unavailable is also bald, and my goodness, if he would free himself from the chains that bind him he knows I would snatch his ass up in a heartbeat and love him long time! You may want to know what his chains are but for the sake of privacy, just feel free to insert your own deal breaker here _______________________. He is what one would call a “sexy beast” and I got him a t-shirt with the word BEAST on it because that’s really a perfect label. I believe the Beast is the reason for this entry. Never in a million years after I met a guy in high school that I fell head over heels for did I think there would be another that could mesmerize me like that, but the Beast aka Mr. Unavailable did. You girls that make your PRO/CON list when you were looking for a boy. He’s my LIST, for real. Anyone who knows me and meets him and actually gets a chance to talk to him knows he is the NOW to my Later (my favorite candy now&laters). In the Prince song Adore, he says “If love one day struck me blind your beauty I’d still see, loves too weak to define just what you mean to me.” True statement, when I met and saw him for the first time, and realized he was really all that and a bag of chips, (I think we just may have discovered why the hell my ass, belly, and thighs don’t want to go away… now& laters and Chips, ha ha kidding, I don’t eat them alllll the time.) I swear that song and the little chimes in it were just ringing and his body, mind, and that perfect smile were just glowing. Then I asked a question that I wish I would have asked up front, and just like that the needle ripped off the record and the music had to stop. Now I’d love to just say it all just ended just like that, because I’m a strong bitch, but it didn’t. It’s been almost 2 years and I’ve been sitting back waiting for him to fix his shit! I’ve fucked up with at least 2-3 good guys because they just aren’t the Beast! But the smart part about me is I KNOW what my issue is so I keep on trying to move past. I’ve told him a million times, I will drop every thing for you and come running when you say the words. So there can be no part of the love story where he finally wakes up and realizes what he had and he can’t find me or he questions how I feel about him- I gave him the instruction manual. When I say he’s a good dude, he’s a good dude, he showed up to my son’s 18th bday party 2 weeks after we met, he showed up to his graduation ceremony and the after party and my son’s FATHER didn’t show up OR even congratulate him on graduating until 2am the day after. He bought me my iPhone, he’s given me a little cash when I was low, he’s helped me with some parenting issues from a man’s perspective when I was at my witts end. He’s calmed my ass down when I want to throttle my ex hubby (rightfully so of course) and given me the right words to say so that I wouldn’t start another World War. He gets me in ways that I thought only my big kids do. And our music connection is like no other. He calls us “brown sugar” watch the movie if you don’t get that one. If we would have lived in the same state and met in school, there is no doubt we’d be that cute couple that lasted from the moment we met until now. He’s even helped out one of my best friends, he freaking worked a miracle for someone I truly thought was a lost cause. But in reality currently he is a fucking mirage in the desert of my life right now. I could go on but I won’t I promised myself I won’t write this story in it’s completion until I know the final out come.
Men…. I’m sometimes like a kid in a candy store. And sometimes, usually when drinking, I’ll pick the most unlikely piece of candy, and in the words of a friend from my high school reunion, “Lead him on like a tiny hooker!”
I’ve got a friend on the east coast, I really like him too but he’s just far away. We’ve been texting and in touch since my daughter was about 5 years old, (except when I was married for real) because our jobs gave us 2 way pagers, so we just progressed with the times. My goodness I’m starting to sound like Too Short, Lil Wayne or Ludacris.
I have to say, going to another country 2 times this year was refreshing. (Nope I didn’t have any vacation sex) Some of those guys just were in awe with me, it was flattering, yet I didn’t always notice it. My son pointed it out in the Bahamas, and my cousins pointed it out in Mexico. Well at Sr. Frogs, I went to answer a trivia question, and the emcee stared down at me and said “are you married?” I said “No.” and he said “Well then, I want you to get stuck on my Island.” Very saavy of him since the answer to the question was Gilligan’s Island. Ha ha, now we can take that one of 2 ways, did he want me to get STUCK on his island and never go home, or did he want me to get STUCK on his island and then send me on my merry way back to the Majesty of the Seas cruise ship? Fortunately for us I was with my kids and cousin and there was no time to find out! But these are the questions I need to be looking out for when I deal with men. Because I notice if I am not careful, I take what is said to me all wrong. I know some people (men) say things in a certain way so that you think they mean one thing but they really don’t mean it in that context at all. It’s called playing games, or a play on words, or just being a manipulator/liar. For example when you ask the person you know is cheating “did you fuck her” you also need to ask, did you make love to her, put your penis in her, have sex with her, share any intimate moments, or any other term that insinuates sex . Because if you don’t they will say no. True statement agreed upon by more than one woman that I know.
I have to stress, I’m not bitter, I really love men. There should be a bejeweled game where each Jewel is a handsome dude I’d play that game for hours!
I have to steal this from J.Cole and adapt it for my purposes “Back to the topic, ok I forgot it men are sexy I’m the shit… OK I’m reminded.”
Ha ha!
I have some public apologies I need to make to some guys: To the first boy I ever loved, I have NO idea where you are now, and I’m so sorry that I broke your heart in different ways I work to teach my daughter to know a good thing when you see it but to also be real and true to yourself. E-Double ~ I’m sorry we never worked out (we freaking tried a lot) and that I got bamboozled into believing you really didn’t like me and I know I messed that up. There is someone who may / may not read my blog all the time, but you have been just sweet to me, you make me laugh, you have tried soo sooo hard to get with me and I’m sorry. I truly don’t know why I don’t like you in that way. I’ve tried, and I know someone who deserves you and will treat you right will snatch you up one day.
To the boys I blew off or neglected due to the Beast… My bad. I’m an idiot. I know this.
And as if my life isn’t funny enough, in Mexico, while watching my cousin parasail, I decided to talk to this cute couple on the beach, who were watching her as well. It turns out the woman from the east coast has family in my city and she is the Aunt of one of my favorite exes, who is now happily married, with 2 kids. I added that detail, because I chose my oldest son’s father over him and that really worked out well for me.
Ok so I really have to end this right now, but I’ll be back. I just need to tend to some other business, but you will see the Beast creep up into some of my stories if I let myself go there. Writing is therapy for me and seeing some of the stuff I do on paper and being honest with the people that read this whether they know me or not will keep me 100!
I think a fitting song to end this one as the credits role is “Girls” by the Beastie Boys, just change it to Boys! For me, Ha ha ha!
To be continued…..

El Guapo Negro

So I was just telling someone that I have a section in my blog for men, but I really haven’t had anything happen that I was inspired to blog about. So I decided today will be my first entry.  I’m going to do a little blog experiment on my first situation in long time a with a guy  who was interested in me that I didn’t already know from back in the day.  I’m not sure if I should call him el guapo negro – because he’s handsome and he’s mixed with latino and black, or Dos Equis, because that’s the beer he bought at the liquor store we met at.  I’ll call him Equis. I will attempt to do this without sinking to paralipsis, because if I’m totally open this may just be entertaining.  Or it could just fizzle. 

Friday I updated my facebook after my encounter with Equis and let you all know that he gave me a much needed ego boost.  Here’s the full story.  I had a rough week, with work and life and I decided on the way home I deserved a glass – or bottle of wine.  My daughter was driving and said she was not going to try to get over 3 lanes on Arapahoe Road in rush hour traffice, just to go to my favorite liquor store!  She should know better than to challenge me when I want something.  So after pulling into the Cornerstar liquor store, I went in to get some Apothic Red wine, and then I decided I wanted to drink a beer, so I decided to get Singha, the yummy Thai beer I tried on the cruise this summer. I was on the phone with my sister in the beer section and I saw this guy double take when he saw me.  So I smiled, grabbed the beer and put it into my basket.  He then grabbed his Dos Equis and stopped.  It looked like he was waiting for me to get off the phone but my sis was talking and that would have been kind of rude to just hang up. He finally walked away.  I got off the phone so I could pay for my weekend treat and get home to imbibe.  The cashier accidentally swiped my 6 pack 2x and didn’t have the code to remove the item and neither did any of her coworkers, so I thought to myself, well if he wanted to talk to me it’s not going to happen now for sure!  After joking around with the staff over the little faux paus, she finally got the bill right so Icould leave.  I started heading to the car and I saw him driving towards me.  I just kept walking and looked up so I could ‘find’ my car and not let him know I saw him, but he drove up to me and said “Hi can I talk to you for a quick second?”  Before saying yes, a flash of scenes from all the crime shows I watch went through my head and I started wondering what if he’s a psycho? Then I decided I must look familiar to him or something along those lines. So I walked over to his car at a safe distance and said, “What’s up?”  He said, “You are so beautiful and I just had to tell you that, and I was wondering if I could get to know you better?”  How could I say no to a guy who had the balls to approach me like that?  I gave him my number and told him my name, of course he thought I said Tammy but we got the name exchange complete, and I said “Well, call or text if you want to.”  Equis said, “Well I’m sure you have plans this weekend, but I will be in touch.”  I awkwardly walked off because I was feeling super self conscious all day in what I was wearing; my ass and thighs just seemed like they were way to big in my capris so of all the days to be approached that wouldn’t have been my first choice!

I got in the car and waited for Mic to ask who that was, so instead of having to explain twice, I called my sister back to finish our conversation and told them both the same time about the cute little encounter. 

When I got home I had to make the decision as to whether or not I wanted to update my face book status with my ego boost, and I decided to go for it because of the angry ass rant I had published earlier. 

I poured myself a beer and got ready to just chill for the night and do a whole lot of nothing. I chatted with the boys for a bit and then lay in bed with Mic discussing her plans for the night.

Much to my surprise, Equis called Friday night. He said “I was just calling so you’d have my number in your phone.”  I walked outside and had a quick conversation with him – the boys were playing Wii and it was loud in the apartment.  Conversation was good, he is well spoken and seems to have a good personality. He asked, “Can you tell me about yourself, I already know you’re beautiful, what else do you have going on?” I told him I work on computers and I have 4 kids, 2 grown and 2 little ones. That’s the part I dread, I was waiting for the awkward silence or the sound of disappointment because I have kids, and it never came.  I told him briefly I’ve been divorced for a little over 2 years, and then said what about you? He’s got no kids, never been married, he’s been in serious monogamous relationships just never married.  Said he wanted kids but it just hasn’t been in the life plan.  He owned his own business until 2008 when the economy went down the crapper, now he works for ‘the man’ like most of us do, and he loves playing poker. 

We ended the conversation after discussing our weekend plans and that was it. Painless. 

Before I even had time to process the conversation I got a call from Mr. Unavailable, someone I could write a book about but I won’t, well not today anyway.  We discussed a little situation I wanted to chat about and by the end of it I was on my 4^th beer. 

I reminded myself I needed to add my new friend’s number into my address book, I went in to my call log to save it and in true iPhone fashion as soon as I touched the number it started dialing!  So I started to panic and scream “NOOOO!!” as I pressed the end key repeatedly.   Then I sent him a text and told him why I called him and hung up, and he said he didn’t have a missed call from me. Freaking awesome.  I told him, you never know these days and then tried to smooth the situation over by saying I was glad he called and that it was refreshing to meet someone new.  He then said ‘you gotta love technology, it was nice talking to you too and I look forward to doing it again!

We chatted via text for a few seconds more and then I fell asleep.

He called Saturday evening after he was finished playing poker to say hi and see what I was doing, but I was walking into bowling alley with my kids, so I couldn’t talk.

Yesterday he called and we chatted for a while about lots of things, we both love the Luxor hotel in Vegas, and he loves the hot weather and is not a fan of winter, he totally speaks my weather language! He said “The only thing winter is good for is cuddling.” I couldn’t agree more. We started to blame each other for depressing eachother because of talks of cold weather and so we changed the subject to how grateful we both are for an extra day off!

We talked one other time and I asked him if it bothered him I have little guys, and he said not at all, we talked in detail about that, he had great answers, but as I type this I’m starting to wonder, am I being rude for sharing his details? In short, he’s dated women with kids and it was not the kids that caused the issues in the relationships.

I told him that he is the first guy I didn’t know, that was not afraid to just try to talk to me out of the blue with the exception of the guys in the Bahamas and Mexico, and that I am no good at playing the ‘dating game’ or what ever this is, he was very reassuring, about it all. I warned him I’m pretty blunt about most things. Ha! Should I warn him I’m named after a hurricane? Nah, not yet.

I’ll end this by saying we like the same kind of movies, the same comedians, he likes ice cream, and I confessed my love of salty things like chips! So he said one day we’ll have to get some ice cream and a bag of  chips and watch a movie, I agreed.  We made tentative plans to try to see each other today but we both want to chill before the work week starts, he had a busy weekend, I didn’t but I’m still feeling lazy.  We’ll see what happens.

 Oh, I have not decided whether or not I’ll tell him he’s possibly the feature story in the Cool K Chronicles. Ha ha let’s see if he lives up to the nick name I decided to give him Equis, which is X in Espanol.  Will he be X marks the spot, or X as in STRIKE buddy you are outta here?!

Angry Ass Rant

I have another rant…. And I don’t exactly know what triggered it….
Lots of times my life feels like a freaking broken record. But really I’m thankful for all the blessings I do have in my life. This summer my uncle sent me to Mexico with my cousin, all expenses paid and it was seriously paradise, I actually got to take the big kids on a cruise, my kids are healthy, my 2 older kids have beat some of the statistics of being children being brought up in a single parent home – with PART time parenting… Everyone is healthy, we’ve lived on our own for a little over a year with out me having to move back in to my moms, to make sure we can stay afloat, & I’ve only paid the rent late 2x. My brother in law and sister have stepped in and helped me out so many times, and in so many ways over the years I just can’t even begin to go into that.
Being thankful doesn’t erase all the bull shit I go through in my life though. I mean seriously I am sick and fucking tired of being the only parent consistently in my kids’ life. I have to make all the decisions, do all the discipline, figure out all the finances, and at the same time keep a smile on my face try to let them know they are great, and that every thing is going to be fine.
Is everything going to be fine? Honestly I can’t promise it. I bust my ass all the time and I still feel like I end up in the same place.
No thanks to the kids fathers’ we have never been on welfare or homeless, but there is NO reason we should ever have to live pay check to pay check or struggle for anything. EVER. There is NO reason the kids should always be with me. If there is any place in my life I should get some good karma it’s with my kids and parenting.
Really I’m just tired. I’m so tired I don’t have the energy or desire to let my younger 2 guys play sports. I don’t have the patience to deal with the bull shit politics that go with the sports or deal with the expenses that come up because of the sports.
For all of the absent parents out there I don’t and will never understand how you can leave the parent who is there full time hanging… it’s not that hard to step up and be a parent. My god, in my divorce decree my ex only has to get the kids every other weekend, and he can’t even do that!!!
Seriously, I watch shows like snapped and criminal minds, to remind myself ~ in the words of my cousin Stacy “You’re too pretty for JAIL” She often reminds me of that when I get in this place and want to hurt some folks for being sorry asses.
My blood is boiling right now, I can’t focus on work… OH I’m so thankful for my job, I do love it and it does pay me good. So I’m pissed because my projects are very busy right now and I keep taking 20 minutes to gather a thought or work on the system. Soooo I decided to get it out and share it with the peeps who read my blog.
I really feel sorry for my kids right now, because I keep going in to RAGING bitch mode and I love them so much they are all cute and my actions are just not showing how much I love them right now. To my Senior baby girl who is about to go to college next fall I think I’m freaking out because I want you to turn out SO much better than I did. That’s where all this angst and pressure is coming from. **And you are already way better than me.
I’m sitting at my desk trying to hold back raging tears, angry tears, sad tears, and just trying to get refocused. I’m blasting my ipod, it loves me as usual, feeding me some N.W.A, Drake, Snoop, Dr. Dre, and even The Script.
OHHH and I’m also PISSED that I’m STILL not seeing the results I should be seeing from busting my ass at the gym. I can feel the muscles and yes my shoulders are more defined, but my hips and thighs are just EW! And my stomach……. (any way that’s another blog) I know age is a factor but this is just BULL!!!!

“It seems the rain will never let up… I try to keep my head up and still keep from getting wet up… Tupac”

Under the Rainbow

Ok so I’m going total girl in this one. I try so hard not to be one of those girls who watch love stories and wish that it would happen for me but that freaking happened to me today. I saw Friends with Benefits today, and it was so good, funny, etc! I live by the movie theater and so I decided to just walk home after I split up from the girls. Suddenly I started to feel all emotional because that movie hit home for me. “If you want happiness find find the one who makes you happy and never let him go, or her if you are in to that creepy shit” (Woody Harrelson’s gay charachter says this in the movie.) I am happy but I feel like a piece is missing and after all the relationships I’ve been in that have not worked out whether my fault or the guy’s ~ I still believe that true love is out there and I actually want it. I don’t want to be alone, and I don’t just want to be a mom. I love being in a relationship/partnership. It’s sad that people put up walls and keep ‘the one’ out, and that our society is all about getting some ass not a commitment. We are in a society where everyone wants things instantly so that also means that there aren’t too many out there who are willing to work at things. I know I’ve run from people who genuinely seemed to like/love me in the past, and I’ve learned from that. It’s sad that people will find abandon ship at the first sign of trouble after that honeymoon stage.

As I crossed the busy street to get back home tears just started streaming down my face. I feel bad for all the ‘boys’ I’ve hurt and I feel sad for the boys I actually gave 100% genuine Cool K , that didn’t end up wanting me. I cried because I truly don’t know that there is anyone out there for me. I cried wondering if I already fucked up my chance at true love. I am so vain that I tried to suck up my tears so that the cars passing me wouldn’t see me all ugly and crying. So I lifted my head to the sky and saw a rainbow sticking out behind the clouds. I then started to calm down like a kid would who was crying over the candy they thought they couldn’t have and then they stop to see their mom or dad standing there holding the candy out for them. I felt a little peace, jogged into my apartment complex, looked up again to see if the rainbow was still there, I cracked a smile, & ran up the stairs to my home. I rushed into my bathroom before the kids could see me and laid in the dark crying into a towel just to get it out and then decided I should write about this since people have been asking me when I was going to blog again.

SO I apologize for going full on FEMALE today, I couldn’t be hard core anymore just for that moment. Ha ha if my life was a movie … what song would have been playing as I walked across the street with tears streaming down my face, and the wind blowing my freshly done hair?(yeah I caved on the no heat going natural thing yesterday, but it’s cute) I just turned on my ipod to just figure that out… I put it on shuffle and shook a few times to find the appropriate tune… and landed on Fantasy byEarth Wind and Fire “Every man has a place, in his heart there’s a space, and the world can’t erase his fantasiiiieeeessss take a ride in the sky ~ on a ?????? (not sure) ~ all your dreams will come true right awaaaaayyyyyy~ and we will live together, until the 12th of never, our voices will ring forever as ONNNNNEEEE. (cue the tight little beat)” Well I’m done being a drama queen for the moment. “Give a smile from your lips and say, I am free, yes I’m free and I’m on my way” (Song still on)

Ha! as I’m trying to end this my boys are watching some cartoon and one of the characters said “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” and then my 6 year old came running to me saying mom you remember that song?? (meaning by J. Cole) Then he starts rapping “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure~ one damn thing you can’t change is the weather but even if it rains we get rained on together” No joke.

Ahhh My life. Gotta love it.